Then suddenly she went cold… The smile fell from her face and her expression became flat. I knew it was something I said, but I couldn’t put my finger on what. All I asked her was why she continued working at a company she hated. “Yo, you good? Should I not have asked that?”. “Naw, it’s all good. I’m fine” she said, as tears began to fill her eyes. Here we go again man… I never know what’s going to trigger her next crying-attack or cold spell. It’s like walking on eggshells, and I don’t know how much longer I can do this, to be honest. I could call her and be like “Good morning babe”, and she’ll just start crying. Talkin’ bout some, “No one’s ever cared enough to call me and say good morning before” -___- Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but you get the point. I love shorty, but ummm… She’s just too emotional sometimes and I just don’t know how to deal.
It is quite common for people to find themselves in relationships with others who differ in their expression, and intensity, of emotionality. Consequently, many end up feeling lost and confused when their partner expresses their emotions in a way that they themselves would not. To understand this issue, it is important to first examine the underlying factors in the development of one’s emotionality. One major factor is the environment. If a child is brought up in an environment where expressing certain emotions is frowned upon or rejected, the child will learn to suppress those emotions. On the other hand, if a child is brought up in an environment where the expression of certain emotions is encouraged, the child will learn to express those feelings more easily. For example, if a child learns through socialization that showing anger in public is acceptable, but showing sorrow is not, the child may be more likely to exhibit behaviors consistent with the feeling of anger, even when they are sad. This could translate into the stereotypical image of a man breaking things when he is sad, and a woman crying when she is angry.
 |
| Photographer: Karen Alfaro |
Nevertheless, if you are the partner who is not used to outwardly expressing emotions like sorrow or fear, you may feel frustrated and helpless when your partner does so. This mismatch of expression can often cause a misunderstanding between people, and leave one person feeling like the other doesn’t care. In reality, however, the other person may care very deeply, yet they are unaware of how to respond to such an expression. As a result, people often conclude that their relationship isn’t meant to be, and render themselves incompatible. This leads to people endlessly searching for someone they “match” with. Although it is possible to find someone who expresses their emotions in an identical manner, it does not necessarily mean that person will be the best fit for you in the long-run. In fact, people who express emotionality in different ways often create balance within a relationship, as long as those expressions remain healthy. The determination of compatibility then, must go beyond the mere similarity of expressions, and extend into the effective communication of those expressions.
This crucial component of a healthy relationship is not to be overlooked. Knowing how to describe to your partner what you are feeling, and why, is imperative in order to build a deeper understanding and connection. It also provides the space for your partner to ask questions and discover how you would like them to respond, should a similar situation arise in the future. In this same way, both parties must be honest with themselves about how the other person’s behavior makes them feel, and why. To be clear, this is not an easy feat, and usually requires a great deal of self-awareness and an intentional unpacking of the past. However, after this pointed reflection, if someone concludes that their partner’s behavior does not align with their expectation of a healthy relationship, they have the right to express this. They also have the right to walk away if things do not change. Yet and still, the key factors in all of this remain effective communication and active listening.
Furthermore, when it comes to emotionality, it is important to remember that context is everything. Although an emotion within itself may not be harmful, when expressed in the wrong context, it may lead to unfavorable results. For example, crying aloud may be considered an acceptable response to the feeling of loss at a funeral. On the other hand, crying during a therapy session, when you are the therapist, can be viewed as inappropriate behavior. For these reasons, we must strive to understand our differing levels of emotionality. We must understand what triggers us to feel certain ways, and then develop a strategy to deal with these emotions in a healthy way, with respect to context. We must also do our best to communicate and understand one another within a relationship. This can only be accomplished by having the difficult but necessary conversations, in the beginning, about how we respond to our feelings.
All Power & Love To The People,
Shani
No comments:
Post a Comment