Growing Apart

We used to go everywhere together. Vacations out of the country, family cookouts in the summer, or simply chillin’ on an average day, you couldn’t spot one without the other. We were there for one another through the horrors of puberty, the trainwreck of college, and finally getting “real jobs”. When we talked about the future, we agreed to be the maid of honor in each others’ weddings and to have children around the same time so they could grow up together as we did. I know... we were kind of extreme when it came to our friendship. But then something changed.

At some point, my aspirations shifted. Suddenly the things I wanted to achieve, she could not conceptualize. And her day to day life became too mundane for me to keep talking about. I wanted to discuss bigger ideas and philosophies on how to push the culture forward, but she wasn’t interested. She could only focus on the latest neighborhood drama and her no-good boyfriend who kept ghosting her for weeks at a time. It was evident that our common ground was beginning to crumble. In retrospect, we handled the transition in our relationship very differently. She handled it by trying to gain a tighter grip, calling more often and asking to meet up, just to “check-in”. I handled it by throwing myself into my work, causing me to become less and less available. It was weird because usually a friend-breakup is caused by a falling out of some sort. But in our case, there was no malice, no disagreements, and no anger involved in our separation. The culprit in our demise was merely growth. As we both grew as individuals, we simply grew apart.

Photographer: Chanise Parks

Throughout our lives, we experience varying levels of change within ourselves as we develop. Consequently, as we transform, many of our relationships do as well. People who we once considered to be close friends or even family, may at some point become distant. Initially, it is easy for people to experience panic from overanalyzing what they may have done to cause the disconnect. This often makes matters worse and can cause someone to perceive a conflict that has no tangible basis. This may even be done subconsciously in order to comfortably pinpoint a reason for the distance. We would rather accept almost any other explanation, aside from that of being abandoned by someone we care about.

To oversimplify, people do not want to feel like they are being abandoned because, at the root, this feeling brings into question their potential to be loved. In other words, when wrongfully associating an expiring friendship /relationship with abandonment, it is easy to make the faulty assumption that if they loved you, they wouldn’t have abandoned you. The next logical progression in this line of thought is that, if this person who you were so close to doesn’t love you, will anybody ever really love you, and are you even lovable? However, it is important for us to catch ourselves and take a step back when this misguided train of thought begins. In reality, growing apart from someone does not always imply that the bond was never real. It also does not necessarily imply that this distance is forever. The only thing growing apart from someone means is that, for whatever reason, the relationship has transformed.

This transformation can be attributed to a number of factors that should not be taken personally. For example, it could be due to a change in interests or location. It could also be caused by a change in availability due to other life factors, or even a shift in overall focus. Regardless of the reason, growing apart from someone you care about ignites the feelings associated with loss. The challenge in all of this is to refrain from internalizing what this means about you as a person and instead, seeing it as something that happens as part of the natural course of life.

If you feel like you need closure, it is more than appropriate to ask if anything in particular lead to the distance, and if there is anything you can do to re-connect. However, be prepared to take what they say at face value without fishing for an ulterior motive. Otherwise, if there is a chance for reconnection in the future, this type of behavior could jeopardize it. In the meantime, it is imperative to focus on your own growth and development. It is also imperative to be working towards your own goals, making it easier to determine who “makes sense” to be in your life at the moment.

On the other hand, when you are the one creating the space, you should not feel bad about outgrowing relationships that no longer serve you. It may appear selfish, but putting yourself first is not always a negative thing. If you feel like a relationship is; bringing you unpleasant feelings, not encouraging you to be your highest-self, distracting you from your goals, or simply not adding any value to your life, you should not feel guilty about severing ties. To everything there is a season, and relationships, whether platonic or not, are no exception to this philosophy. So as you transform as an individual, make it a point to align yourself with people moving in the same direction, as iron sharpens iron. And if you find yourself on the receiving end of time and space, embrace the idea that everyone has the right to engineer their social landscape in a way that they feel best serves them. Lastly, always remember that whoever is meant to be in your life at any given time will arrive, as long as you remain focused on achieving the things that make you feel fulfilled. In the bigger picture, each relationship is just one of many experiences you will have throughout your life, so viewing it as such can help keep things in perspective.

All Power And Love To The People,
Shani

I'm Not Toxic. You're Toxic!

I’m just so glad I cut her off. At the end of the day, she was toxic and I can’t have those kinds of people around me if I want to prosper. She only came around when she felt like I could benefit her in some way. But then I took a step back and saw that she was using me. She only wanted success for me in ways that could also benefit her. If I wasn’t making the life decisions she approved of, she would get passive-aggressive and try to manipulate me into doing things her way. How could I have been so naive? I was proud of myself the day I finally found my voice. I told her all the ways she had wronged me and why I couldn’t continue with our friendship. Of course, she argued back and forth about how I misunderstood everything... but toxic is toxic, and that’s that on that. One by one, I cut person after person out of my life for the same reason. It felt good, until one day it dawned on me that I was completely alone. Not even my support system could withstand my season of “cutting folks off”. And there in the silence, I realized the mess I had made while trying to clean up my circle. 

Photographer: Jenny Desrosiers 

In today’s society, the idea of “canceling” people has become widespread. This form of social-shunning often serves to hold people accountable for unacceptable actions or comments they have made. Other times, it can be used to temporarily, or permanently, disrupt someone’s means of income and/or opportunities based on said behavior. On a more personal level, some of the most trendy advice we see on social media pertains to canceling, or cutting off, people in our lives that we consider "toxic". Although it is healthy to remove people from our lives that cause us harm, it is important to consider the gravity of labeling someone toxic, and the ramifications of doing so.

To begin, it must be noted that what one person considers toxic behavior, may not be considered toxic by someone else. For example, while one person may label someone who exhibits controlling behavior as toxic, someone else may classify a person who simply lacks ambition as being toxic for their space. Therefore, given the subjectivity of the word, it is safe to assume that at some point each of us may have been, or will be, considered toxic to someone else. To add to the complexity of the matter, Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines toxic as: adj. containing or being poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation. With this definition in mind, it is easy to ascertain why labeling a person in this way can be extremely stigmatizing and alienating, especially when no context has been given behind the label. If something is truly toxic, it is unable to produce anything good, and it can only result in death or other forms of destruction. Although it may feel accurate at the time, comparing a person to “poisonous material that can cause death” can actually be quite dehumanizing when you are on the receiving end.

Essentially, this mindset of categorizing people as either “toxic” or “not toxic” is unrealistic. It leaves no room for human error, misunderstandings, and ultimately, no room for a person to grow to a place of redemption. In addition, consider how it might feel to be labeled “toxic” for something you did or said when you were going through a traumatic or stressful situation. Would the other person have the right to feel like you caused them harm or were unhealthy for their space at the time? Absolutely! However, should that situation reduce you to being an overall toxic person? Not necessarily, especially if you have committed to learning from it and changing your behavior. In reality, no one is either completely good or completely evil. We all possess positive and negative traits. With that said, when someone labels a person toxic and describes that person to others as such, it usually serves to ostracize that person rather than calling for genuine change.

In addition to ostracizing a person, categorizing someone as toxic and then cutting them off completely can also serve as a cop-out to avoid conflict resolution in some cases. Although no one owes us a chance at redemption if we have wronged them, frequently cutting people off after minor discord, then labeling them toxic, steals away our opportunity to work through conflict using effective communication skills. If it is someone you care about, it can be beneficial for both parties to discuss what happened that was considered toxic, and see if there is a possible solution that works for both people. If not, it is always okay to cut your losses and move on. However, keep in mind that just because you consider someone toxic for the role they played in your personal life, doesn’t mean that everyone else will have a similar experience with them.

All in all, it is important that we are intentional and careful about the labels we place on people. Since we as humans are constantly changing, using definitive labels like toxic can oftentimes do more harm than good in a situation. Instead, it is more beneficial to describe a person’s actions that you did not agree with, rather than reducing them to a label that could follow them for years to come. On the other hand, if you truly feel like someone is unhealthy for you personally, take a moment to define exactly what that means to you. If you believe it is worth talking about, feel free to communicate your feelings with them. In other situations, where you don’t believe a conversation is warranted, be confident in the fact that you don’t owe anyone a second chance or an explanation for cutting them off. However, when this tactic is used repeatedly, in order to avoid conflict or having difficult conversations, it actually stifles your ability to problem solve in social situations and can lead to unintended isolation. So the next time someone does something that causes you harm, try referring to their behavior as being toxic, rather than the totality of their person being classified as such. And if you still feel the need to cut them off… Get to choppin' boo!

All Power And Love To The People, 

Shani