Relationships Should Never Rewind

I felt so unstable. What I wanted and what was within my reach were two different things. We weren’t doing each other any favors by always keeping one foot in the door. But for some reason, we just couldn’t let it go. Not completely… The tone of his voice brought me comfort and made me feel at home, even when I was across the sea. I sent him postcards from Paris, and wrote letters from Laos, hoping to intrigue him enough to come with me one day. But he never quite got around to it. There were other things he felt deserved his attention instead of me, but the moment I began to visualize myself moving on, his sixth sense would kick in, and he’d come searching for me. Part of me wanted to hide, while the other part tried so hard to be found.

At the end of the day, we couldn’t be together for the same reasons every time. When we tried to deny it, and prove how much we had “changed since the last time”, it always turned out the same. We couldn’t coexist in person, and we were only connected from afar because we knew how to ease each other’s minds. This wasn’t healthy though, and we knew it. We were caught in purgatory until eventually, the situation resolved itself. I received a call from him saying that we couldn’t see each other or communicate at all anymore. Unbeknownst to me, he had met a woman and they had fallen in love. I was devastated and enraged. How could he move on so quickly when we had been together only a few weeks prior? How was it possible for him to find her when we talked every other day? As much as it hurt, I had to take some responsibility in the situation. I knew it was time to let go a long time ago, but I kept fighting. I saw all the signs that said STOP, TURN AROUND, DO NOT PROCEED, but I persisted. In the end, I betrayed my own heart by playing the on-again, off-again game. The scores were final, and I had lost. 

Photographer: Karen Alfaro

As difficult as it may be to admit, many of us have found ourselves in an on-again, off-again relationship at some point. Even if we are not truly content within a relationship, we find comfort in the familiarity of it. We crave the predictability and consistency of certain people, even if it's consistently a struggle to get along. In addition, we often shy away from becoming involved in new situations that require vulnerability, and opening up about who we really are. It becomes increasingly difficult for us to trust new people after each “failed” relationship. Then, when loneliness inevitably hits us, we perceive it to mean that we must still want to be with that person, or that we are still in love. Taking it a step further, we begin to consider what it might mean for us if that person were to truly move on, and never look back. We fear that we might be making the wrong decision, and therefore stick around to provide the chance for things to work out in the end. Although these reactions to breakups are common, it is important to recognize that they are most often rooted in fear. When we succumb to the fear of being alone, we end up temporarily mending our relationships, only to break up again in the future due to irreconcilable differences.

At times, this cycle of breaking up and getting back together can seem natural and even harmless. In reality, however, when we fail to take the appropriate space needed to reflect and heal, we end up doing more harm than good to our present psyche, and the chance at future happiness. When we continue to share intimacy, whether physical or not, with people who we do not anticipate being in our future, we end up losing out on the time and energy it takes to prepare ourselves for the next chapter. Although everyone will have a different healing process, it is hard to make any kind of progress when you are constantly being reminded of what could have been. It is difficult to stand in your decision to move on when you continue to get glimpses of things potentially getting better. But beware, oftentimes these “glimpses” are just that, a momentary view of something you desire, but rarely do they reflect a genuine change. In fact, many people go into panic mode after a breakup, even if they know deep down it was for the best. This feeling of internal panic, rooted in the fear of loss, causes people to try their best to prove that they can make the necessary changes for their partner. This can be anything from a change in attitude, change in interests, or even a change in their schedule in order to be more available to their partner. Nevertheless, if these changes are made to avoid loss, when the threat of losing their partner is no longer there, their motivation to maintain these changes will also disappear. This leads both parties back to square one, considering whether or not it is healthy for them to be together. It is also common for resentment to arise when one party senses the other is not genuine in their performance of “self-development”.

In any case, it is important to keep in mind that there is an alternative to this vicious cycle. This alternative may come in the form of taking space, considering what you want in the present moment and future, and setting the appropriate boundaries to reflect that. Without the opportunity to reflect on ways that we could have done better, it’s easy to assume that it was simply the other person’s fault as to why the relationship didn’t work. This perspective then robs us of the opportunity to develop ourselves in the ways we need to in order to have healthier relationships moving forward. On the other hand, when we don’t make space to reflect, it is easy to gloss over the ways in which we have been harmed in a relationship. Consequently, healing an unidentified wound is always more difficult, if not impossible. Moreover, not taking space from an ex can also prevent the chance of us finding someone we are more compatible with because we don’t have the space for them in our hearts. We are then forced to continue settling for a relationship that is not fulfilling to us, affecting our overall happiness and quality of life.

On the contrary, there are certainly times when reconciliation can lead to a deeper understanding, and a healthier relationship. When both parties have done the work to heal, and adjust their perspectives on their own terms, getting back together can actually be a beautiful thing. When both parties feel like the relationship is worth fighting for, and they display their commitment to it through words AND ACTIONS, it can actually lead to a more fulfilling relationship than ever before. When both people feel that they are still in love, regardless of how much time or space has passed, this is also a good indication that the relationship may be worthy of a second chance. Most importantly, when both parties are able to feel happy and complete on their own, the chance that reconciliation will be successful increases. During the time being taken to reflect, heal, and grow, it is imperative that both parties respect the boundaries set by the other. If not, one person’s desire to reconcile can conflict with the other person’s desire to heal, causing an imbalance and disconnect all over again. Therefore, it is necessary to be patient and considerate during this stage in order to experience the desired outcome.

Regardless of whether or not people get back together, breakups can provide the space to reevaluate where you are going, and what kind of person you want to go with you. They allow us to feel pain and use that pain to initiate positive change in various areas of our lives. In this way, breakups may be considered a gift, when viewed from the right perspective. Our ultimate goal should always be to find happiness and love in ways that don’t require us to compromise our fundamental values or identity. When we prioritize this idea, we are more likely to attract the kind of relationships we desire, and avoid the dreaded on-again, off-again “situationship”.

With that said, I’d love to hear from YOU on this one! What are your thoughts on on-again, off-again relationships? Can they ever work in your favor? What do you think should be the ultimate goal after a breakup? Please comment below with your perspective so we can discuss :)

All Power And Love To The People, 

Shani 

Too Much Time In The Mirror

The first thing I do in the morning is to look in the mirror. I’m curious to see how much prep work I’ll have to do today before I can leave the house. Ugh! It feels like these bags under my eyes have a personal vendetta against me. They literally will not let me be great. And that’s not to mention all these dark spots I have all over my face from acne. No matter how much I moisturize and exfoliate, they’re right there every morning like “We ain’t... go-ing no-where! “(P. Diddy voice). But I guess the most frustrating thing about my face in the morning is the peach fuzz I notice above my lip. I mean, a girl can only pluck so much until it’s just time to buy a lawnmower ... So basically, these are things I simply HAVE to attend to. I don’t want people to get so distracted by my scars that instead of focusing on what I’m saying, they stare blankly at my forehead and then ask me to repeat myself. So instead, I spend at least two hours every morning doing ritual after ritual to make myself feel more presentable to the outside world. I feel the need to remain palatable in order to avoid rejection or people talking about me behind my back. Sure I wish I could spend time in the morning doing yoga, or cooking a nice breakfast, but those things won’t make me feel immediately more confident when I go outside. Those things also can’t help me at that time of the day when I begin to wonder if anyone else is noticing my flaws, or if my disguise is actually working. So every morning, I look in the mirror and begin to physically alter what I see, until I realize that I’m running late for work again. But all in the name of beauty... so...it’s fine.

It has long been understood and accepted that the first thing people notice about a person upon meeting them is their physical appearance. We also know that first impressions are everything and that people often make snap judgments about others based on those initial observations. For this reason, we find it important to be conscientious about how we look, and how we are perceived by others. We strive to present ourselves in a way that makes us feel confident yet palatable. In addition, taking care of one's physical appearance may even be classified as an act of self-love. At the same time, internal conflict may arise when the concern for our physical appearance is derived from the desire to meet the perceived expectations of others. This type of concern can often lead to neglect in other areas of our lives such as our mental, spiritual and emotional wellbeing.

Photographer: Jenny Desrosiers

As a society, we care a lot about what other people think of us. We buy cars we can't afford to impress people we don't like. We buy memberships to the gym just to say we have one, and we buy all types of products from companies that promise to make us more beautiful and attractive. On the surface, it's easy to view our eagerness to blend in as being a byproduct of socialization. However, when taking a closer look at this matter, one could argue that our ultimate motivation, when it comes to our appearance, is not to "fit in" but rather to avoid the rejection that may come from standing out.

When I first moved to Los Angeles in 2017, I remember becoming extremely self-conscious about my skin. Every day, I would be the only woman in my office without makeup on, and over time I began to notice more and more imperfections when I looked in the mirror. Although these "flaws" had been there my whole life and had never bothered me before, I became hypersensitive to them as I began to compare myself to the women who came to work with a fully beat face Monday through Friday. Furthermore, I began to wonder if this whole time people were noticing my imperfections as well and if they were making judgments about me based on them. In order to alleviate these feelings, I decided to start wearing makeup. The first day I wore it, I remember a few people complimenting me on how I looked by asking me where I was going after work and inquiring about "who I was trying to look cute for". This positive reinforcement encouraged me to wear makeup even more often. I felt free. I had finally found a way to camouflage my flaws, and could now focus on other things. And then it happened... I woke up late one day and didn't have time to put on makeup. I remember people coming up to me asking if I was okay, and telling me that I should get some rest because I looked "super tired". I was heartbroken. I hadn't done anything differently that day besides not putting on makeup. To me, this had just confirmed my worst fears. They COULD notice my flaws, and it DID affect the way people interacted with me. At that point, I felt like I would have to wear makeup every single day in order to avoid these unpleasant interactions.

After work, I returned home to cry and reflect on what had happened. That night, I came to some conclusions that would stay with me forever. First, I realized that I wasn't wearing makeup for the "right reasons". I had to accept that I was not in fact "wearing it for myself" like I often told people, because on the days I didn't leave the house, I also didn't apply makeup. I wasn't wearing it because I enjoyed doing it, or because it was an outlet for me to be creative. I was wearing it solely to disguise what I considered to be my flaws. I felt that if I wore makeup, it would make me overall more approachable, and more likely to attract the right people. Second, I realized that the real issue was never about makeup, but more so about my own lack of self-esteem. I was disappointed in myself for getting to a place where I would even consider comparing myself to the people around me. I let my assumptions about what other people wanted me to look like cloud my judgment. Who told me I needed to wear makeup to be beautiful? Who told me that that's what the people around me expected of me? I did. I told myself all of these things, and I paid for these lies with my sanity. What disappointed me the most was realizing that I had begun to neglect the activities that kept me feeling beautiful internally, in exchange for activities centered around my physical appearance. I exchanged prayer time for youtube tutorials on contour, meal prep time for practicing my cat-eye, and journaling time for redoing my eyeshadow over and over again. I knew that the intense sadness I felt, caused by this lack of balance, could only be remedied if I approached things in a different way moving forward. It was time to make some decisions.

From that night on, I decided to prioritize my perception of myself over what I assumed others were thinking about me. I also decided that things in my life didn't have to be one way or the other. It was possible to put effort into my outward appearance without compromising my internal wellbeing. I also decided that, moving forward, I would only wear makeup on special occasions, or for creative projects because that's what made me personally feel most confident. To this day, I feel most fierce when I can walk into a room eyebags saggin', mustache flourishing, pimples gleaming, and STILL captivate the entire space with my beauty, personality, and intellect. And to be clear, this does not mean that people who wear makeup regularly cannot do the same, but instead, it points to the fact that each individual should do whatever makes them feel most confident, safe, and fulfilled. Instead of being preoccupied with hiding my imperfections, I decided to focus on identifying what I found most beautiful about myself. In doing so, I was able to attract an amazing tribe of people who also recognized that beauty, regardless of my perceived flaws.

When we strive to improve ourselves internally as well as externally, we become one step closer to operating as our highest-selves To do this, it is necessary to engage in regular activities geared towards development and balance in each specific area of our lives. It may also prove helpful to conduct frequent self-check-ins in order to ensure that we are experiencing our desired equilibrium within. If we are not, it is important that we have an idea of which thoughts and activities can bring us back to our center when our insecurities arise. If nothing else, remember that you are beautiful. You are capable, and you are loved.

¡Hasta La Victoria Siempre,
Shani

Stay The Course

The only thing I know for sure is that I want to be a lawyer. There’s nothing I love more than advocating for those in need and sifting through the facts to get to the truth. The only issue is, I don’t really agree with the way our criminal justice system works in this country. I also can’t quite see myself spending hours on end reading through law books for reference. In fact, I’d much rather be in the forest collecting plants that heal different ailments naturally. But that would be kinda hard to explain to my parents who paid for me to attend law school. So I guess I have to go through with it... Right? After all, I don’t want to seem ungrateful for their sacrifices. Or even worse, I don’t want to seem crazy for choosing a path unfamiliar to those around me. I mean, I love the idea of being something as prestigious as a lawyer, but maybe that’s all it is… an idea. My heart beats for something else, something my friends and family wouldn’t understand. So I tuck my passion away and pursue other things. I pursue so many things that everything I touch starts to unravel and fall apart. This isn't what I want. This isn't what I dreamed of. This isn't who I am.   

Choosing a path, and sticking to it until you see it through, is one of the most difficult things to do in life. One reason is that our society makes it easy to become distracted with new information, new offers, and new ways of doing things. In addition, it has become increasingly difficult to resist being swayed one way or another by genius marketing tactics, peer pressure, and the desire to please the people around us. Moreover, when we don’t immediately experience the desired rewards from pursuing a particular path or venture, we begin to doubt whether or not we should have been on this path to begin with. Once this doubt begins to set it, it is easy to conclude that we must change our trajectory in order to avoid failure. However, by dropping out of the race long before the finish line, we do ourselves a disservice by not allowing us to learn and grow from the experience of the race itself. Then, when we do begin the next venture, we are ill-equipped to succeed because we have not mastered the ability to commit, problem solve and persevere in the face of adversity.    

Photographer: Jenny Desrosiers

When it comes to changing your path in life, the most important factor to consider is your true motivation behind making the change. If it is based on your desire to live a life that feels more authentic to you, and therefore genuinely makes you happier, this change should be embraced. For example, if you decide to switch your career because you develop a new interest, and pursuing that interest makes you feel happier and more excited to attend work every day, this can be viewed as a positive shift. This is especially true as opposed to staying in a position you are unhappy with simply to “see it through” until the end. On the other hand, if you decide to switch your career simply because you did not receive a promotion as quickly as you had hoped, this change may not be in alignment with developing the kind of character it takes to be successful in any field. This is because in most cases, people do not become successful overnight. In fact, many of the people we look up to as being great or successful in their endeavors will admit that it took long hours, high-risk decisions, belief without proof, and sticktoitiveness to get them where they are today. All of these characteristics are developed when your long-term motivations outweigh the discomfort caused by temporary challenges. When the immediate follow-up to adversity is completely changing paths, it makes it nearly impossible to progress in any area of your life, leaving you stuck in a position of constant motion, yet no actual progress.   

To combat the distractions and fear of failure, that often cause people to reroute, it is imperative to have a deep understanding of exactly WHY you are on a certain path to begin with. When people are motivated by why they are doing something, rather than how and when their actions will pay off, the chances of success become far greater. Being attached to the idea of helping sick people heal, will serve as a better motivator to finish medical school, than being attached to the idea of making a lot of money. Why? Because there are many things one could do in order to make a large amount of money, and it doesn’t necessarily include mastering a rigorous curriculum about the human body. Therefore, a person who is simply after money is less likely to have the tenacity to complete medical school, and will likely change their path several times as they are introduced to new ways to quickly make money. 

With this in mind, it is essential to remain mindful and intentional about everything we do. Our actions and decisions should bring us closer to the life we have taken the time to imagine for ourselves. By the same token, when we are confronted with challenges, we must remind ourselves of our “WHY”. This gives us the ability to problem solve and persist in order to stay the course, rather than jumping ship mid-journey. Lastly, if we do decide to change paths, we must be careful to consider how this change will bring us closer to our most authentic selves, rather than simply choosing the path of least resistance. 

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  - Galatians 6:9

All Power And Love To The People,
Shani