Too Much Too Soon

Let me hit him up just one more time. He probably didn’t get my first message. You know phone services be trippin’ nowadays. It’s crazy cuz I just met him a few days ago, but I already feel crazy butterflies. He’s hella fine, super smart, and incredibly mysterious. He has this edge about him that gives off this, I won’t let you in, but you can try, kind of vibe. I’m into it though. I think it’s because I’ve always been attracted to men that present a challenge. I want to be the one they allow to get past their guarded exterior. It does something for my ego to feel like they chose me to be in their heavily protected space. It makes me feel like I’m special and valued. Or so I thought… Now that I think about it, my last few relationships have all started out that way. I always go hard in the beginning stages, just to assure them I’m wifey material. That’s right, dating me comes with home-cooked meals, good morning/goodnight texts, check-ins throughout the day, random gifts, physical affection ect. The problem is, I’ve never experienced anyone doing the same for me in return. So time and time again I’m stuck doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. On the other hand, I give them the space and support they need to pursue their interests. They move forward confidently in life with the comfort of knowing that, even if they don’t love me for real, I won’t be going anywhere. Then, without fail, they move on and start giving the next woman all the things they found so impossible to give me. Now here I go again, complaining that he’s getting too comfortable… But what else can I expect when I’m the one over here fluffing his pillows? 

Photographer: Jill Taylor

At a time when being “boo’d up” is all the rage, it’s easy to get caught up in trying to find the one. Sometimes this causes us to do a little extra when it comes to winning over the person we have taken an interest in. We assume that if we can just get them to recognize all of our amazing qualities, there is no way they wouldn’t want us to be a part of their future. So we start off at full speed, consistently making our presence known, and hoping they reciprocate the attention. We spend our days daydreaming about them and imagining what our future could be like with them by our side. Then, in just a short amount of time, we begin flooding them with affection in hopes of securing our place in their lives. Although many of these things can be done out of genuine care and concern for the other person, most times, it is done with the intention of eventually having these actions mirrored in some way. However, instead of returning the favor, many people actually get comfortable with the treatment and begin to take it for granted. Over time, the person putting in the majority of the effort begins to feel unappreciated, overlooked, and insecure about where they stand in the relationship. This change in attitude usually leads to more frequent arguments, displays of petty behavior, and sometimes even ghosting. On the bright side, this approach to winning someone over is not the only way. In fact, when people take the getting to know you phase step by step, instead of racing through it, they exponentially decrease their chances of wasting time in a dead-end “situationship”.

One way to avoid this common predicament is to avoid giving too much too soon. Although this concept is highly subjective, an example of this may include making yourself far too available in the beginning stages. Calling, texting, and asking to meet up too often can give off the impression that you have nothing better to do with your life than pine for their attention… undoubtedly a turnoff in most cases. Another example of giving too much too soon can include prematurely sharing about your past traumas and failed relationships, especially if you haven’t had the chance to unpack them and heal. In this way, you are opening up a wound that the person may not be equipt to handle just yet, and may cause them to unintentionally trigger you. Too much too soon can also appear as treating someone you are still getting to know like they are already your life partner (if that's something you desire) with all the perks that come along with that level of commitment. This can lead to feelings of entitlement on their part, allowing them to put in little effort, while still receiving maximum benefits. When this happens, it is easier to internalize the situation as being a reflection of your shortcomings, rather than evidence of differing intentions.

As an alternative to some of these approaches, people are often advised to view dating as a tennis match. Once you hit the ball to your opponent, there isn’t much you can do until they return the ball to your side of the court. In essence, when first getting to know someone, it is important to establish a standard of give and take. In this way, each person understands that there must be an equal exchange of attention and affection in order for the relationship to grow. If one party feels like the other is not giving equally, it is up to them to address it, and perhaps even take a step back if addressing it renders no results.

It is also essential to consider things from the person on the receiving end's point of view.  Being given too much too soon can feel like fast-forwarding a movie until the end, then being asked to give a review of it. There is no way to sift through so much information in such a short amount of time in order to accurately determine the next steps. However, since people fear to have their time wasted, they prefer to give everything up front and hope for the best. Instead, it is helpful to allow people to get to know you a little at a time. It has taken you your whole life to become who you are today, so allow your interest time to understand your intricacies.

The key here is patience. To be clear, patience is not simply waiting, but rather how you respond to waiting. Having patience in love can mean using the time away from your new boo to study, create, engage in self-care, rest, meditate, and whatever else you do to maintain happiness in your life. Then, when it’s time to reconnect, you’ll have plenty of things to update them on that you have accomplished completely outside of them. This independence is often considered highly attractive to people and can make you seem even more intriguing. This idea also serves as a way to keep things balanced, preventing you from giving too much too soon. For example, after you’ve been in contact with your interest, make it a point to accomplish something for yourself before your next interaction. That way, even if things don’t work out between you and the other person, you haven’t lost any time towards pursuing your own success. In the end, it is important to keep in mind that what is meant for you will not pass you. Therefore, taking it slow will only enhance a relationship that was destined to be. On the other hand, taking it slow will help you evaluate each stage more objectively because you are focused on the process rather than the end goal. With this in mind, it is important to remember that you will never be too much for the right person. When it’s right, the pieces will effortlessly fit together, and you will not have to be anyone other than exactly who you are.

With that said, I’d love to hear from you on this one! What do think about the concept of “too much too soon”? Are there ways that giving a lot up front can actually work to your benefit? Let me know what’s up in the comments, and feel free to share this post with your friends and family if you found it helpful <3


All Power And Love To The People,

Shani

A Legacy

Mr. Davis was one of my favorite patients. He was 87 but boy was he lively. He had been at the elderly home since my first day almost 6 years ago. He often joked about how we “started our sentences here at the same time.” Mr. Davis was always kind. When I would come in to bring him his medicine he would be up and ready for me with a question of the day. I really looked forward to those every morning. They were usually silly questions to make me laugh or ethical dilemmas to make me think. I remember one morning he rang for me. When I got to the room I noticed something different about him. His expression was somber. Barely turning over in his bed to look at me, he muttered, “Nurse Luna, I have a question.” When I asked him what was on his mind, he responded, “Do you think it’s too late for me to go to college?” Surprised at his question, I replied “Umm… No, no I don’t think so. There may be some online classes you could take. Do you have a high school diploma or G.E.D?” Timidly he answered, “I never really made it past 7th grade. I’ve been working my whole life just to survive. And now that I have time to think about it, it bothers me that I never got around to going back to school. I’ve always wanted to be a history teacher. I love showing people how connected the past, present, and future really are. Looking back, I know I did what I had to do, but I feel like I never got a chance to do what I really wanted to.” With great despair, he rolled back over in his bed and faced the wall. I know that age doesn’t define us, but sometimes things take time to develop, time that we are not guaranteed. I’ve always felt like the only thing I couldn’t help my patients heal from was regret.

Photographer: Karen Alfaro

In today's society, many of us find ourselves stuck in what we consider "the rat race". Constantly working to slowly attain more resources and power. Every day we complete the same routine of getting up, getting ready, going to work or school, and coming home to do it all again the following day. Some argue that leisure time is a luxury afforded only to the monetarily wealthy. For others, it feels like creating time for your passions or to engage with your calling on a regular basis, is not realistic. So instead, we allow ourselves to neglect what we want to do in order to do what we feel we must do. There is no in-between, and there can be no compromise. Although this line of reasoning makes sense from a survival standpoint, it may require us to sacrifice something very important. Living in this way can often cause us to forfeit the legacy we could have created in order to elevate those who will come after us in some way. Most times, we get so caught up in the present moment that we forget that our individual lives are also part of a larger humanity. We also fail to realize that had it not been for those who came before us answering their call and leaving behind a legacy, we may not be where we are today. 

To some, especially young people, a legacy is something to be considered later on in life. It can even be seen as something that is developed after you are gone, rather than something you spend your whole life actively creating. Unfortunately, this perspective allows us to take a more passive role in terms of what we will be remembered for. If we believe that we don't have much control over our legacy, we are less likely to do the things we need to in order to shape it. Essentially, we become comfortable with letting life happen to us, rather than navigating through it with intention. Our legacy is created by the summation of things we spend most of our time doing, whether positive or negative. Therefore, one of the most important aspects of shaping the narrative of our legacy is to spend a significant amount of time doing the things that inspire the change we would like to see. When we do so, we experience a level of satisfaction that can only come from tapping into our purpose. This feeling then becomes the driving force behind the conception and actualization of our legacy.

Although it can be difficult, creating a lifestyle in which your legacy is directly connected to your occupation can be an ideal situation. On the other hand, if this is not the case, it is up to us to prioritize what we feel is most important. Even if we do not currently have the resources we need to make the impact we have imagined, taking baby steps toward this is progress. For example, if someone would like their legacy to center around the work they did to decrease world hunger, they may begin by simply feeding one person a day. It doesn't have to be one big extravagant gesture, but rather several small gestures that impact many over time. If someone wants their legacy to be one that exemplifies kindness and compassion, they can begin by encouraging and supporting the people they often come in contact with throughout the week. By consistently doing the things you believe in, your legacy is being cultivated in the present, rather than waiting until you are part of the past. When your intentions are pure, people are able to see that and may decide to align with your mission, consequently assisting in its manifestation. Remember that there is no right or wrong time to consider what you would like your legacy to be. However, the sooner you define it and begin constructing it, the more space you give it to grow and evolve with you throughout your life. In the end, you won't look over your life thinking about all the things you would have, or should have done. Instead, you will be able to look out over the garden you planted. You will be able to witness it blossom as other people continue to water it, making you an eternal part of the landscape of humanity. So what kind of seeds do you intend to plant?


All Power & Love To The People,

Shani

Family Matters

It didn't even need to go there. That's why I hate going to these family get-togethers. Somebody always has to say something stupid, and of course, I have to call them out on it. I just wanted her to know that constantly "joking" with me about my weight, financial status, and life choices, just wasn't okay anymore. Like girl... just cause you're miserable in your own life doesn't give you permission to take it out on me. Then on top of that, when I get annoyed, everyone wants to talk about "Well, you know how your cousin is!", as if that's the get out of jail free card. Instead, that's the exact problem. I DO know how she is, and I'm old enough now to stop accepting it. If people can't be respectful, family or not, I don't want them in my space, period. And although I know that this is my right, I can't act like the severing of a relationship, with someone who I consider more like a sister, doesn't create a whole different level of pain. Steph was there when I learned how to ride a bike, and when I had my first crush. She was there when I won my first award, and when I crossed the stage to graduate. She's seen me grow and evolve from the beginning. To lose that closeness with someone who I feel knows me best, is absolutely devastating. But to suffer in silence, while she begins to strip away at my self-esteem one snide remark at a time, also feels devastating and unbearable. I shouldn't feel the need to have my full emotional armor on when I'm around my "family".

When it comes to our family members, the relationships we have with them are often deeply rooted, and very impactful on who we become as people later on in life. Our relatives can often be our first friends and the first people we are taught to trust. Over the years, memories are built with them which can help to establish longlasting bonds. Many times, we see our family members at our homes, places of worship, or other places where we feel comfortable and safe. As a result, it is common for people to associate their family members with the feeling of safety and security. Although this is not the case in every situation, the idea that family is supposed to be your support team no matter what, and love you unconditionally, can lead to high expectations and repeated disappointments. Unfortunately, it can also lead to us accepting certain treatment that we would not accept from someone who wasn't related to us.

When relatives do not live up to our expectations of providing love, safety, and support, especially from a young age, we may grow to think that this is an acceptable way to behave towards people we say we love. Some of these behaviors may include speaking in an abusive way, disregarding boundaries, or exhibiting negligence. Whatever the behavior, it can inspire confusion within us about what is acceptable and what is not. In the end, when we enter into other relationships, our perspective on healthy vs. unhealthy interactions can be warped. For example, if a parent gives their child the silent treatment when they are upset with them, rather than communicating the issue, the child may grow up thinking that this is the most effective way to handle conflict. Even more so, if a child grows up being forced to give people in their family a hug, even if a family member makes them uncomfortable, the child may grow to believe that they have no autonomy over their bodies. They may also conclude that physical boundaries are okay to be broken by people who claim to love them. All of these misconceptions can lead to problems when trying to establish healthy relationships with friends and lovers, and will more than likely need to be unpacked in a therapeutic setting.

Regardless of the situation, if we feel that being around certain family members does more harm than good to us, loving them from a distance should be viewed as a viable option. We should not feel obligated to engage with, or tolerate, toxic behavior. To this end, instant reconciliation does not always provide the best solution.  However, oftentimes we let people in our family, who value the appearance of peace over the actual presence of it, convince us to look past certain transgressions.  Because of this, negative emotions can be left to fester, only to resurface in areas of our lives that we least expect.

On the other hand, there are certainly times when remedying the situation is possible and healthy. Nevertheless, in order for this to occur, there must be several factors present. These factors include accountability, active listening, agreeing on expectations, changed perspectives, and changed behavior. To fix the issue, everyone involved must be able to take accountability for the role they played in the initial conflict, or the escalation of it. Keep in mind though, there are times when one party IS solely responsible for a conflict, in which case the other person may be considered a victim. In these cases, the victim does not owe the other person a chance at reconciliation, especially if they feel their boundaries have been irreversibly crossed. But in most cases, each person should be able to figure out how they could have acted differently to obtain an alternative outcome. Just as important, all parties need to agree on/ respect any new boundaries put in place in order to move forward in a healthy way. Most importantly, once agreeing upon what the relationship should now consist of, all parties must be determined enough to behave accordingly. If not, the cycle of dissension will only continue. 

Just like with any relationship, the relationship we have with our family should mirror the way we would like to be treated as a human being in general. If it does not, we should not feel guilty about deciding to distance ourselves from it. Additionally, the time for responding "well that's still your family" in the face of toxicity and disrespect, has long passed. As we progress, we must come to terms with the fact that sometimes growth is born out of difficult conversations. By choosing our own wellbeing over the desire to appease our family, we create an opportunity to connect with them on an authentic level. Family wounds can often hurt the most, but with the right balance of love and accountability, it is possible to bring about healing and wisdom for the future. 

All Power And Love To The People,

Shani