Worth The Wait

Sweeping up the broken glass, I still couldn’t understand what came over me. It started as an overwhelming feeling of fear about my future and ended with me blaming God for my current predicament. For some reason, seeing the mirror explode into 1,000 pieces soothed me. Now I wasn’t the only broken one in the room. The better part of me knew that things would get better, but the other part… The other part told me I might be stuck in this same place forever. It felt like I  was working so hard just to remain in the exact same position, just a little more exhausted. I sat there shaking as the walls of my life caved in on me. The pressure of my responsibilities pushed on me until I felt my lungs nearly collapse. “Just keep going”, they say. But I don’t know where to walk when I can’t see. I wondered where my blessing was. I cried and prayed, and still nothing. What have I done to get myself here? What have I done to be ignored by God? 

There comes a time in everyone’s life where we find ourselves in a position of waiting. Whether you are waiting for a promotion at work, waiting to meet the love of your life, or even waiting to discover your purpose, life is full of instances where gratification must be delayed. This is unavoidable. What is avoidable, however, is the suffering many people endure while they wait. This suffering may present itself as fear, self-doubt, resentment, and detachment from the present moment. When things don’t go as planned, we begin to let these feelings distract us from our necessary journey preparation, causing a delay in our manifestation. In essence, how we wait plays a major role in how quickly and remarkably our manifestations arrive.  

Photographer: Jenny Desrosiers

When we spend our time being anxious about when and how things will work out, we run the risk of overlooking crucial lessons in our everyday lives that we will need to reference later. This then delays our process because some lessons are necessary prior to the manifestation. For example, if someone prays to become a millionaire, yet they invest no time in learning how to manage their finances, regardless of when or how that money arrives, they can easily lose it all due to mismanagement. This would leave them right back in their original position, with no additional insight, and perhaps even further away from their manifestation than they were before.

Additionally, there is value in acknowledging what is out of your control, and redirecting your attention to the things that are. For example, if someone is waiting to meet the love of their life, instead of going out of their way to “find” them, they can spend time making sure they are happy and whole on their own. In this way, when that special person arrives, there will be less resistance on their path because both parties have done the preparation work in advance. 

Make no mistake, waiting can be extremely difficult. It can cause us to exercise patience beyond what we thought we were capable of. It can also cause us to critically examine our level of faith. Nevertheless, when we breathe life into our suffering as we wait, by doubting, blaming, and complaining, it simultaneously removes precious energy away from what we actually desire. In the end, faith and fear cannot exist harmoniously together. Therefore, it is important to be intentional about how you wait. This can be done by being present in the moment, exercising your faith, and practicing behaviors that help to align your current life with your desired future.

All Power & Love To The People,

Shani

XOXOXO

She Cries Too Much...

Then suddenly she went cold… The smile fell from her face and her expression became flat. I knew it was something I said, but I couldn’t put my finger on what. All I asked her was why she continued working at a company she hated. “Yo, you good? Should I not have asked that?”. “Naw, it’s all good. I’m fine” she said, as tears began to fill her eyes. Here we go again man… I never know what’s going to trigger her next crying-attack or cold spell. It’s like walking on eggshells, and I don’t know how much longer I can do this, to be honest. I could call her and be like “Good morning babe”, and she’ll just start crying. Talkin’ bout some, “No one’s ever cared enough to call me and say good morning before” -___- Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but you get the point. I love shorty, but ummm… She’s just too emotional sometimes and I just don’t know how to deal. 

It is quite common for people to find themselves in relationships with others who differ in their expression, and intensity, of emotionality. Consequently, many end up feeling lost and confused when their partner expresses their emotions in a way that they themselves would not. To understand this issue, it is important to first examine the underlying factors in the development of one’s emotionality. One major factor is the environment. If a child is brought up in an environment where expressing certain emotions is frowned upon or rejected, the child will learn to suppress those emotions. On the other hand, if a child is brought up in an environment where the expression of certain emotions is encouraged, the child will learn to express those feelings more easily. For example, if a child learns through socialization that showing anger in public is acceptable, but showing sorrow is not, the child may be more likely to exhibit behaviors consistent with the feeling of anger, even when they are sad. This could translate into the stereotypical image of a man breaking things when he is sad, and a woman crying when she is angry.  

Photographer: Karen Alfaro

Nevertheless, if you are the partner who is not used to outwardly expressing emotions like sorrow or fear, you may feel frustrated and helpless when your partner does so. This mismatch of expression can often cause a misunderstanding between people, and leave one person feeling like the other doesn’t care. In reality, however, the other person may care very deeply, yet they are unaware of how to respond to such an expression. As a result, people often conclude that their relationship isn’t meant to be, and render themselves incompatible. This leads to people endlessly searching for someone they “match” with. Although it is possible to find someone who expresses their emotions in an identical manner, it does not necessarily mean that person will be the best fit for you in the long-run. In fact, people who express emotionality in different ways often create balance within a relationship, as long as those expressions remain healthy. The determination of compatibility then, must go beyond the mere similarity of expressions, and extend into the effective communication of those expressions.  

This crucial component of a healthy relationship is not to be overlooked. Knowing how to describe to your partner what you are feeling, and why, is imperative in order to build a deeper understanding and connection. It also provides the space for your partner to ask questions and discover how you would like them to respond, should a similar situation arise in the future. In this same way, both parties must be honest with themselves about how the other person’s behavior makes them feel, and why. To be clear, this is not an easy feat, and usually requires a great deal of self-awareness and an intentional unpacking of the past.  However, after this pointed reflection, if someone concludes that their partner’s behavior does not align with their expectation of a healthy relationship, they have the right to express this. They also have the right to walk away if things do not change. Yet and still, the key factors in all of this remain effective communication and active listening. 

Furthermore, when it comes to emotionality, it is important to remember that context is everything. Although an emotion within itself may not be harmful, when expressed in the wrong context, it may lead to unfavorable results. For example, crying aloud may be considered an acceptable response to the feeling of loss at a funeral. On the other hand, crying during a therapy session, when you are the therapist, can be viewed as inappropriate behavior. For these reasons, we must strive to understand our differing levels of emotionality. We must understand what triggers us to feel certain ways, and then develop a strategy to deal with these emotions in a healthy way, with respect to context. We must also do our best to communicate and understand one another within a relationship. This can only be accomplished by having the difficult but necessary conversations, in the beginning, about how we respond to our feelings. 

All Power & Love To The People, 

Shani 

The Drowning Lifeguard

I know I can't afford it, but he's really hungry again. At this point, it's not even worth mentioning the job he was supposed to be getting. It will only cause us to argue and leave me feeling like perhaps I'm being a little too hard on him. Besides, there needs to be at least one person in his life who won't abandon him like everyone else. I didn't realize it at first, but I had begun fighting to prove to him what unconditional love felt like. I was determined. Even if it meant I had to go without a few things every now and then, I wanted him to know that someone was willing to put him before themselves.  My behavior, however, was not unique to him. I thought like this about everyone. I help people. I heal people.  I save people. It's a beautiful gift to be able to make peoples' burdens lighter. So I break and I bend for people who never even notice, or notice just in time to take advantage. Still, I lean on my crutch that taught me to put others before myself, even at the expense of my own wellbeing. Where they are weak, I must be strong, and where they lack, I must provide. I'll do it, as long as it means I can go on neglecting the work I'm supposed to be doing on myself. After all, I simply don't have the mental capacity, or time, to take care of myself because...well... They need me. Unfortunately, I neglected to consider that the more of other people's luggage I choose to carry, the longer and more difficult my own journey will be.

One of the best feelings in the world is the satisfaction that comes from helping someone. Whether it's your neighbor, your child, or an old lady trying to cross the street, instances where you are able to assist someone can be impactful far beyond the surface. These instances provide space to experience the beauty of human connection, and vulnerability. By being willing to meet someone where they're at, it exercises one's ability to be patient. By being willing to ask for help when necessary, it exercises one's ability to be humble. However, like everything else in life, "helping" must be done in moderation, and in a way that is not detrimental to a person's own wellbeing.

Although this idea may seem quite obvious, many people simply are unable to find the appropriate balance between self-care and self-sacrifice. In fact, for some, being the person that everyone goes to for help and support is the one thing that affords them the validation they seek. With that being the silver lining, there are few positive outcomes for the individual who chooses to pour into the world without ever refilling their own cup. As a woman of color, I grew up watching the women around me rise to the occasion and handle things. Regardless of their needs, personal goals, or ambitions, they handled every obstacle that was thrown their way. Not only did they take care of things for themselves, but these strong women helped everyone around them handle their afflictions as well. All the while praying and believing that one day they would be rewarded for their efforts.

Photographer: Karen Alfaro

From a Christian perspective, I understand that this doctrine stems from the idea that people should strive to be like Christ. Since Jesus is portrayed as providing the ultimate sacrifice, followers of his should also strive to be selfless. As beautiful and romantic as this idea is in theory, in practice, it can actually be extremely harmful if gone unchecked. There is an important distinction between helping someone because you're able to, and helping someone because you feel morally obligated to, and will feel extremely guilty if you do not. The issue is in the latter. The subconscious avoidance of guilt can cause people to overextend themselves in ways contrary to their own best interests. Furthermore, by the time most people realize they have given too much of themselves, and have nothing left to offer at the moment, the time for them to pursue their own dreams and interests has passed them by. Although it is never too late to actualize your dreams, in most cases it's only a matter of time before someone else, that you simply must save, takes you off course again. Often times the hardest battles are within. Therefore, we look to the outside world for distractions, and to deflect the spotlight away from our own challenges.

In this case, the focus must be placed on creating balance in one's life on all fronts. Keep in mind that having a "well-balanced life" will look different for everyone. Nevertheless, a good place to start is by being intentional about which situations you intervene in, and understanding that not every battle is yours to fight. Sometimes balance can mean simply sharing resources with someone, rather than trying to provide what they need on your own. In addition, balance can also look like pouring into others, as you simultaneously pour into yourself. However, the minute that delicate equilibrium is disturbed, the risk that someone will either overburden themselves or act out of selfishness, becomes far greater. Lastly, balance can also be achieved by setting and enforcing clear boundaries with the people in your life. Be aware though, you may encounter some pushback when you begin prioritizing yourself. This is not something to be taken lightly. Pay close attention to the people that become cold when they lose access to you in some way. In most cases, those people were hoping to continue benefiting off of your desire to help, with no intention of offering anything in return.

With this in mind, please take one thing to heart. YOU ARE ENOUGH! You do not need to go around extending yourself to every person or solving every problem. You don't need to go around fighting everyone's battles just to prove that you are a warrior. You are worthy of love and acceptance. So today I challenge you to be more mindful and intentional about who you're giving your effort and energy to in the name of "helping". Take a moment to consider the ways in which you are working to fill your own cup on a regular basis. If after your evaluation you find that you are giving more of yourself than you can afford to, know that no regret is greater than the life you could have lived... If you had only put on your own lifevest before trying to save someone else.

All Power And Love To The People,
Shani