Growing Apart

We used to go everywhere together. Vacations out of the country, family cookouts in the summer, or simply chillin’ on an average day, you couldn’t spot one without the other. We were there for one another through the horrors of puberty, the trainwreck of college, and finally getting “real jobs”. When we talked about the future, we agreed to be the maid of honor in each others’ weddings and to have children around the same time so they could grow up together as we did. I know... we were kind of extreme when it came to our friendship. But then something changed.

At some point, my aspirations shifted. Suddenly the things I wanted to achieve, she could not conceptualize. And her day to day life became too mundane for me to keep talking about. I wanted to discuss bigger ideas and philosophies on how to push the culture forward, but she wasn’t interested. She could only focus on the latest neighborhood drama and her no-good boyfriend who kept ghosting her for weeks at a time. It was evident that our common ground was beginning to crumble. In retrospect, we handled the transition in our relationship very differently. She handled it by trying to gain a tighter grip, calling more often and asking to meet up, just to “check-in”. I handled it by throwing myself into my work, causing me to become less and less available. It was weird because usually a friend-breakup is caused by a falling out of some sort. But in our case, there was no malice, no disagreements, and no anger involved in our separation. The culprit in our demise was merely growth. As we both grew as individuals, we simply grew apart.

Photographer: Chanise Parks

Throughout our lives, we experience varying levels of change within ourselves as we develop. Consequently, as we transform, many of our relationships do as well. People who we once considered to be close friends or even family, may at some point become distant. Initially, it is easy for people to experience panic from overanalyzing what they may have done to cause the disconnect. This often makes matters worse and can cause someone to perceive a conflict that has no tangible basis. This may even be done subconsciously in order to comfortably pinpoint a reason for the distance. We would rather accept almost any other explanation, aside from that of being abandoned by someone we care about.

To oversimplify, people do not want to feel like they are being abandoned because, at the root, this feeling brings into question their potential to be loved. In other words, when wrongfully associating an expiring friendship /relationship with abandonment, it is easy to make the faulty assumption that if they loved you, they wouldn’t have abandoned you. The next logical progression in this line of thought is that, if this person who you were so close to doesn’t love you, will anybody ever really love you, and are you even lovable? However, it is important for us to catch ourselves and take a step back when this misguided train of thought begins. In reality, growing apart from someone does not always imply that the bond was never real. It also does not necessarily imply that this distance is forever. The only thing growing apart from someone means is that, for whatever reason, the relationship has transformed.

This transformation can be attributed to a number of factors that should not be taken personally. For example, it could be due to a change in interests or location. It could also be caused by a change in availability due to other life factors, or even a shift in overall focus. Regardless of the reason, growing apart from someone you care about ignites the feelings associated with loss. The challenge in all of this is to refrain from internalizing what this means about you as a person and instead, seeing it as something that happens as part of the natural course of life.

If you feel like you need closure, it is more than appropriate to ask if anything in particular lead to the distance, and if there is anything you can do to re-connect. However, be prepared to take what they say at face value without fishing for an ulterior motive. Otherwise, if there is a chance for reconnection in the future, this type of behavior could jeopardize it. In the meantime, it is imperative to focus on your own growth and development. It is also imperative to be working towards your own goals, making it easier to determine who “makes sense” to be in your life at the moment.

On the other hand, when you are the one creating the space, you should not feel bad about outgrowing relationships that no longer serve you. It may appear selfish, but putting yourself first is not always a negative thing. If you feel like a relationship is; bringing you unpleasant feelings, not encouraging you to be your highest-self, distracting you from your goals, or simply not adding any value to your life, you should not feel guilty about severing ties. To everything there is a season, and relationships, whether platonic or not, are no exception to this philosophy. So as you transform as an individual, make it a point to align yourself with people moving in the same direction, as iron sharpens iron. And if you find yourself on the receiving end of time and space, embrace the idea that everyone has the right to engineer their social landscape in a way that they feel best serves them. Lastly, always remember that whoever is meant to be in your life at any given time will arrive, as long as you remain focused on achieving the things that make you feel fulfilled. In the bigger picture, each relationship is just one of many experiences you will have throughout your life, so viewing it as such can help keep things in perspective.

All Power And Love To The People,
Shani