Too Much Too Soon

Let me hit him up just one more time. He probably didn’t get my first message. You know phone services be trippin’ nowadays. It’s crazy cuz I just met him a few days ago, but I already feel crazy butterflies. He’s hella fine, super smart, and incredibly mysterious. He has this edge about him that gives off this, I won’t let you in, but you can try, kind of vibe. I’m into it though. I think it’s because I’ve always been attracted to men that present a challenge. I want to be the one they allow to get past their guarded exterior. It does something for my ego to feel like they chose me to be in their heavily protected space. It makes me feel like I’m special and valued. Or so I thought… Now that I think about it, my last few relationships have all started out that way. I always go hard in the beginning stages, just to assure them I’m wifey material. That’s right, dating me comes with home-cooked meals, good morning/goodnight texts, check-ins throughout the day, random gifts, physical affection ect. The problem is, I’ve never experienced anyone doing the same for me in return. So time and time again I’m stuck doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. On the other hand, I give them the space and support they need to pursue their interests. They move forward confidently in life with the comfort of knowing that, even if they don’t love me for real, I won’t be going anywhere. Then, without fail, they move on and start giving the next woman all the things they found so impossible to give me. Now here I go again, complaining that he’s getting too comfortable… But what else can I expect when I’m the one over here fluffing his pillows? 

Photographer: Jill Taylor

At a time when being “boo’d up” is all the rage, it’s easy to get caught up in trying to find the one. Sometimes this causes us to do a little extra when it comes to winning over the person we have taken an interest in. We assume that if we can just get them to recognize all of our amazing qualities, there is no way they wouldn’t want us to be a part of their future. So we start off at full speed, consistently making our presence known, and hoping they reciprocate the attention. We spend our days daydreaming about them and imagining what our future could be like with them by our side. Then, in just a short amount of time, we begin flooding them with affection in hopes of securing our place in their lives. Although many of these things can be done out of genuine care and concern for the other person, most times, it is done with the intention of eventually having these actions mirrored in some way. However, instead of returning the favor, many people actually get comfortable with the treatment and begin to take it for granted. Over time, the person putting in the majority of the effort begins to feel unappreciated, overlooked, and insecure about where they stand in the relationship. This change in attitude usually leads to more frequent arguments, displays of petty behavior, and sometimes even ghosting. On the bright side, this approach to winning someone over is not the only way. In fact, when people take the getting to know you phase step by step, instead of racing through it, they exponentially decrease their chances of wasting time in a dead-end “situationship”.

One way to avoid this common predicament is to avoid giving too much too soon. Although this concept is highly subjective, an example of this may include making yourself far too available in the beginning stages. Calling, texting, and asking to meet up too often can give off the impression that you have nothing better to do with your life than pine for their attention… undoubtedly a turnoff in most cases. Another example of giving too much too soon can include prematurely sharing about your past traumas and failed relationships, especially if you haven’t had the chance to unpack them and heal. In this way, you are opening up a wound that the person may not be equipt to handle just yet, and may cause them to unintentionally trigger you. Too much too soon can also appear as treating someone you are still getting to know like they are already your life partner (if that's something you desire) with all the perks that come along with that level of commitment. This can lead to feelings of entitlement on their part, allowing them to put in little effort, while still receiving maximum benefits. When this happens, it is easier to internalize the situation as being a reflection of your shortcomings, rather than evidence of differing intentions.

As an alternative to some of these approaches, people are often advised to view dating as a tennis match. Once you hit the ball to your opponent, there isn’t much you can do until they return the ball to your side of the court. In essence, when first getting to know someone, it is important to establish a standard of give and take. In this way, each person understands that there must be an equal exchange of attention and affection in order for the relationship to grow. If one party feels like the other is not giving equally, it is up to them to address it, and perhaps even take a step back if addressing it renders no results.

It is also essential to consider things from the person on the receiving end's point of view.  Being given too much too soon can feel like fast-forwarding a movie until the end, then being asked to give a review of it. There is no way to sift through so much information in such a short amount of time in order to accurately determine the next steps. However, since people fear to have their time wasted, they prefer to give everything up front and hope for the best. Instead, it is helpful to allow people to get to know you a little at a time. It has taken you your whole life to become who you are today, so allow your interest time to understand your intricacies.

The key here is patience. To be clear, patience is not simply waiting, but rather how you respond to waiting. Having patience in love can mean using the time away from your new boo to study, create, engage in self-care, rest, meditate, and whatever else you do to maintain happiness in your life. Then, when it’s time to reconnect, you’ll have plenty of things to update them on that you have accomplished completely outside of them. This independence is often considered highly attractive to people and can make you seem even more intriguing. This idea also serves as a way to keep things balanced, preventing you from giving too much too soon. For example, after you’ve been in contact with your interest, make it a point to accomplish something for yourself before your next interaction. That way, even if things don’t work out between you and the other person, you haven’t lost any time towards pursuing your own success. In the end, it is important to keep in mind that what is meant for you will not pass you. Therefore, taking it slow will only enhance a relationship that was destined to be. On the other hand, taking it slow will help you evaluate each stage more objectively because you are focused on the process rather than the end goal. With this in mind, it is important to remember that you will never be too much for the right person. When it’s right, the pieces will effortlessly fit together, and you will not have to be anyone other than exactly who you are.

With that said, I’d love to hear from you on this one! What do think about the concept of “too much too soon”? Are there ways that giving a lot up front can actually work to your benefit? Let me know what’s up in the comments, and feel free to share this post with your friends and family if you found it helpful <3


All Power And Love To The People,

Shani