At the end of the day, we couldn’t be together for the same reasons every time. When we tried to deny it, and prove how much we had “changed since the last time”, it always turned out the same. We couldn’t coexist in person, and we were only connected from afar because we knew how to ease each other’s minds. This wasn’t healthy though, and we knew it. We were caught in purgatory until eventually, the situation resolved itself. I received a call from him saying that we couldn’t see each other or communicate at all anymore. Unbeknownst to me, he had met a woman and they had fallen in love. I was devastated and enraged. How could he move on so quickly when we had been together only a few weeks prior? How was it possible for him to find her when we talked every other day? As much as it hurt, I had to take some responsibility in the situation. I knew it was time to let go a long time ago, but I kept fighting. I saw all the signs that said STOP, TURN AROUND, DO NOT PROCEED, but I persisted. In the end, I betrayed my own heart by playing the on-again, off-again game. The scores were final, and I had lost.
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| Photographer: Karen Alfaro |
As difficult as it may be to admit, many of us have found ourselves in an on-again, off-again relationship at some point. Even if we are not truly content within a relationship, we find comfort in the familiarity of it. We crave the predictability and consistency of certain people, even if it's consistently a struggle to get along. In addition, we often shy away from becoming involved in new situations that require vulnerability, and opening up about who we really are. It becomes increasingly difficult for us to trust new people after each “failed” relationship. Then, when loneliness inevitably hits us, we perceive it to mean that we must still want to be with that person, or that we are still in love. Taking it a step further, we begin to consider what it might mean for us if that person were to truly move on, and never look back. We fear that we might be making the wrong decision, and therefore stick around to provide the chance for things to work out in the end. Although these reactions to breakups are common, it is important to recognize that they are most often rooted in fear. When we succumb to the fear of being alone, we end up temporarily mending our relationships, only to break up again in the future due to irreconcilable differences.
At times, this cycle of breaking up and getting back together can seem natural and even harmless. In reality, however, when we fail to take the appropriate space needed to reflect and heal, we end up doing more harm than good to our present psyche, and the chance at future happiness. When we continue to share intimacy, whether physical or not, with people who we do not anticipate being in our future, we end up losing out on the time and energy it takes to prepare ourselves for the next chapter. Although everyone will have a different healing process, it is hard to make any kind of progress when you are constantly being reminded of what could have been. It is difficult to stand in your decision to move on when you continue to get glimpses of things potentially getting better. But beware, oftentimes these “glimpses” are just that, a momentary view of something you desire, but rarely do they reflect a genuine change. In fact, many people go into panic mode after a breakup, even if they know deep down it was for the best. This feeling of internal panic, rooted in the fear of loss, causes people to try their best to prove that they can make the necessary changes for their partner. This can be anything from a change in attitude, change in interests, or even a change in their schedule in order to be more available to their partner. Nevertheless, if these changes are made to avoid loss, when the threat of losing their partner is no longer there, their motivation to maintain these changes will also disappear. This leads both parties back to square one, considering whether or not it is healthy for them to be together. It is also common for resentment to arise when one party senses the other is not genuine in their performance of “self-development”.
In any case, it is important to keep in mind that there is an alternative to this vicious cycle. This alternative may come in the form of taking space, considering what you want in the present moment and future, and setting the appropriate boundaries to reflect that. Without the opportunity to reflect on ways that we could have done better, it’s easy to assume that it was simply the other person’s fault as to why the relationship didn’t work. This perspective then robs us of the opportunity to develop ourselves in the ways we need to in order to have healthier relationships moving forward. On the other hand, when we don’t make space to reflect, it is easy to gloss over the ways in which we have been harmed in a relationship. Consequently, healing an unidentified wound is always more difficult, if not impossible. Moreover, not taking space from an ex can also prevent the chance of us finding someone we are more compatible with because we don’t have the space for them in our hearts. We are then forced to continue settling for a relationship that is not fulfilling to us, affecting our overall happiness and quality of life.
On the contrary, there are certainly times when reconciliation can lead to a deeper understanding, and a healthier relationship. When both parties have done the work to heal, and adjust their perspectives on their own terms, getting back together can actually be a beautiful thing. When both parties feel like the relationship is worth fighting for, and they display their commitment to it through words AND ACTIONS, it can actually lead to a more fulfilling relationship than ever before. When both people feel that they are still in love, regardless of how much time or space has passed, this is also a good indication that the relationship may be worthy of a second chance. Most importantly, when both parties are able to feel happy and complete on their own, the chance that reconciliation will be successful increases. During the time being taken to reflect, heal, and grow, it is imperative that both parties respect the boundaries set by the other. If not, one person’s desire to reconcile can conflict with the other person’s desire to heal, causing an imbalance and disconnect all over again. Therefore, it is necessary to be patient and considerate during this stage in order to experience the desired outcome.
Regardless of whether or not people get back together, breakups can provide the space to reevaluate where you are going, and what kind of person you want to go with you. They allow us to feel pain and use that pain to initiate positive change in various areas of our lives. In this way, breakups may be considered a gift, when viewed from the right perspective. Our ultimate goal should always be to find happiness and love in ways that don’t require us to compromise our fundamental values or identity. When we prioritize this idea, we are more likely to attract the kind of relationships we desire, and avoid the dreaded on-again, off-again “situationship”.
With that said, I’d love to hear from YOU on this one! What are your thoughts on on-again, off-again relationships? Can they ever work in your favor? What do you think should be the ultimate goal after a breakup? Please comment below with your perspective so we can discuss :)
All Power And Love To The People,
Shani
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